Be There
by rabbitsix
Summary: Gojyo's thoughts on the nature of attachment. 58 in the works, implied 39


Everytime Hakkai moved in his sleep, Gojyo could feel it. Every sigh, every shift, every long inhalation that seemed to draw more than oxygen into that narrow chest.

If he were to be honest with himself, Gojyo wasn't too crazy about sharing a bed. Usually he would skip out of a girl's house sometime during the night, or if they were at _his _house he'd sit smoking on the couch until the chick woke up. No breakfast offered, or even use of the shower. Just a charming, tired grin and _Hey honey, your clothes are over there, I got a thing to do but I"ll see you around._

He didn't do it to be mean; he was just…not so good with being that close to a person unless he was fucking them. Amidst the heat and the passion and the noise he could lose himself- sometimes he wouldn't even remember who he was with until it was over and he came back down from his high. Then he would see the pretty face, makeup smeared on the pillow around her head and a satisfied smile curving flushed lips. He preferred it if they didn't say anything once they were finished, it broke the hazy afterglow that protected him until he could make his exit.

Sex was like an out of body experience. All he had to do was get the woman beneath him and his instincts kicked in; only Sha Gojyo could make love on autopilot. It wasn't something he was necessarily proud of. It just happened that way. Let yourself get involved in it and you were in danger of becoming attached.

Gojyo had learned very early on that being attached meant being vulnerable. If you had something, you could have it taken away. If you wanted something, you could be jealous. Attachments were a big fucking waste of time. He could look in the mirror to remind himself of that.

None of this explained Hakkai's presence in his bed, though. In fact, it seemed to fly in the face of every truth of which Gojyo had ever convinced himself.

_Hey Hakkai, I can hear you breathing. _Gojyo never had a way of telling his friend that he minded. Late into the night he would watch the moon fall over a white face, the frustration and self-loathing he hid so well during the day laid out in plain view for anyone who wished to see it. You couldn't hide while you slept, the only thing you could do was run away into dreams; Gojyo knew that. He had no idea what his own face looked like when he was asleep but he imagined it wasn't the portrait of innocence that Goku could pull off. He had too many regrets. Too many severed attachments.

Hakkai sighed once more and turned over, onto the side that faced away from the window and towards his roommate. Gojyo smiled without mirth and turned to lie on his back. The fucking moon was always just a little too bright.

* * *

_You're in danger of sounding attached._

_

* * *

_

He could remember the first time that priest had told him about _muichimotsu _and the Zen principle of "hold nothing."

_If you meet the Buddha, kill him. If you meet the patriarchs, kill them. Live your life as it is, unfettered by anything or anyone._

That had seemed like a teaching he could get behind. He didn't really understand the part about killing Buddha, but Sanzo had snorted and said it had nothing to do with deicide.

_Use your other head; I know you've got two. It means you don't become chained by your own desires. Hold nothing._

_Is that how you live, then? _

_It's what my master left me._

_So I guess the monkey is one of those things you don't "hold."_

_…You're in no position to talk._

_

* * *

_

And it was true. He had picked up a bleeding man off of the road, taken him into his home and watched over him until jade eyes opened and the sick feeling in his chest went away.

_This is the first and last time I take a dude to my bed._

But two months later, Hakkai was still in it. He couldn't explain it, didn't even want to try. It just happened that way.

"Hold nothing, yeah?" Gojyo snorted softly and swung his legs over the side of the bed. The moonlight was right in his eyes; he wasn't getting any sleep tonight.

* * *

For the first two weeks after Cho Gonou had become Cho Hakkai, Gojyo had refrained from going out at night, staying home until the fear that Hakkai would disappear had gradually subsided. 

_You don't have to sacrifice your enjoyment for my sake, Gojyo. I'll be here, and so will dinner._

So he had ingratiated himself back into the nighttime scene, receiving a warm welcome from the ladies in the bar even as his reappearance evoked a joint groan from the men who once more had to watch Sha Gojyo commandeer both their women and their cash.

_You've been gone so long, Gojyo! Why spend all your time at home with a man when you have _us

Why, indeed.

For the first time in a fortnight he had slept with a woman, at her place of course since there was still only one bed in his house and he couldn't imagine kicking Hakkai to the futon just cos he needed to get laid. Or for any other reason, really.

The sex had been…predictable. After being celibate for so long (well, long for Gojyo at least) he had expected something better, more sparks and less yawns- he had hid it the first time, but the second one she must have heard because she didn't even ask him to stay. He wouldn't have anyways, but usually they asked.

Disappointed and a little disconcerted Gojyo had walked home under the waning half-moon. The part that faded into darkness was jagged, as if someone had broken off the other part and somewhere there was another piece of moon with scars that fit this one.

The lights were all off except the one outside on the porch, and when Gojyo entered the house it was so silent that the old fear began churning in his gut again. Moving through the darkness he had yelled to wake the dead when his outstretched hand connected with something warm.

_Goodness, Gojyo, I didn't mean to scare you._

_N-nah, it's cool. I just…didn't expect you to be there. Or awake. Wait, what are you doing awake?_

_Ah, I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep. _

_Yeah? Well I'm home now, go back to bed._

_Ah._

And it became a routine- every night that Gojyo would come in late he would find Hakkai still up, sometimes in the kitchen but usually just sitting up in the bed, his head turning from the window when Gojyo entered the room. After a week and a half, he began to feel guilty.

_This has gotta stop, Hakkai._

_What do you mean, Gojyo?  
You know damn well what I mean, I mean you waiting up for me like this. I'm a big boy; I can take care of myself._

_Yes, I suppose that's true._

_Well then cut it out, alright? You said you'd always be here, so now you gotta trust that I'll always come back._

_…Ah._

It didn't really matter, though. Four weeks after Cho Gonou became Cho Hakkai, Gojyo stopped going out at night altogether.

* * *

The fifth week, they had started sharing the bed. 

_For convenience, okay? It doesn't make sense for one person to suffer on the floor when both of us could be comfortable at the same time._

_Of course, Gojyo, though I don't mind the futon-_

_Just shutup and roll over. _

But if he were to be honest with himself, Gojyo's intentions hadn't been concerned with convenience at all. The fifth week had brought them into the rainy season.

* * *

He had been standing outside on the porch for twenty minutes maybe, on his third cigarette when he heard the screen door open and close behind him. A smirk curved his lips around the Hi-Lite, and without turning around he could feel Hakkai's presence at his side. 

"What on earth are you doing out here, Gojyo? You'll make yourself ill, outside in the cold without a shirt on."

"I couldn't sleep, yeah? And I don't get sick. I'm hardy, like a cockroach."

When he looked at the green-eyed man beside him he took the cigarette from his mouth and exhaled a lazy stream of smoke. Hakkai didn't seem to mind, but he stubbed the butt out anyways.

"You should go back to bed. I'll be in soon, the pack's almost empty."

"I'll pick up some more when I do the shopping tomorrow."

Gojyo smiled and tucked the nearly-full pack into the pocket of his sweatpants. "Yeah, thanks."

The moon was high in the midnight darkness as the two stood there in companionable silence for a few minutes more. When Hakkai turned to leave, Gojyo caught him by the wrist. Jade eyes lifted to the half-breed's face, curious but not eternally patient. Gojyo moved his thumb to feel the pulse point throbbing quietly beneath the other man's skin. The bones were strong there, less delicate than he would have imagined.

"Maybe it's time to buy two beds. I feel bad about waking you up whenever I get out."

"Ah."

"I mean I'm not saying that I mind sharing a bed with you but-"

"I understand, Gojyo. And I don't want you to feel bad about waking me up." Gojyo was silent, waiting to see if there was more. "…it just lets me know that you're there. Sometimes I forget who and where I am until I smell your cigarettes or hear you breathe."

Gojyo didn't know what to say. Hakkai smiled, and without his monocle he looked younger somehow. "It's those little reminders. I had different ones that I associated with Kanan."

Now he _really _didn't know what to say. Hakkai had the frightening power of leaving him bereft of speech even as his mind burst into a thousand different thoughts. His silence hung in the air, putting as much distance between them as the moon overhead.

Hakkai tilted his head to the side, still smiling. "Tomorrow I'll look for another mattress and bedstand when I get your cigarettes." He didn't make a move to return to the house and Gojyo realized that he still had the demon's wrist in his grip. Rather than letting go, he curled his fingers tighter around the warm skin.

"Don't. I mean, don't bother, okay? It's a big bed, we can manage." Digging the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket again, he set them on the railing and tugged the arm that was attached to Hakkai.

* * *

_I guess I'd make a pretty bad Buddhist._

_You're damn right. You can't even keep the stench of lechery out of that red mop of yours._

_Is 'at right? Heh. Maybe I could shave it off and be a baldy like you._

_Don't mess with me. …And it's not just your hair. You have too much attachment to this life._

_Nah, I couldn't care less whether I kicked the bucket in sixty seconds or sixty days._

_That's not what I mean. _

_…Is that so bad, though? _

_It gives you a reason to live. You might say you don't care if you die today, and maybe you try to live like that but it's a farce. Once you have something or _someone _to live for, you aren't prepared for death._

_'Hold nothing,' right? So you're saying I should-_

_Idiot. I'm not saying you should do anything, except maybe get a haircut. You can hold nothing or you can hold everything, but in the end everybody dies so it's better to live the way you want now. Despite your attachments, it won't change the fact that you'll die alone._

_I guess I don't want to live _and _die alone._

_Then stop being a stupid shit and see the reality that's in front of your face._

_…Heh. I guess so._

_

* * *

_

Muichimotsu. He supposed he didn't understand it so well after all.

"Gojyo?" The bones shifted beneath his hand and Hakkai's face had too many questions on it.

Reluctantly, he let go of the other man's wrist. "Sorry, just thinking. Go on back to bed."

And he didn't even have to say it, but the words spanned the space between them.

_I'll be there._


End file.
